Ranking Social Media Platforms from Best to Worst is my Favourite Past Time
I looked up from wiping the counter to see a man streaking from just outside the store. He was completely naked except for a pair of dirty white Nike Air Force Ones that he wore to complete his nude ensemble.
Practical, I thought as I turned to Kayla sitting at the bar.
“Kayla, are you seeing this? There is a man streaking just outside the store. He is completely naked except for his shoes. What is going on in Liberty Village this weekend?” I chuckled as I kept my eyes focused on the man’s self-expression.
“Hmm ya,” She responded with her head down.
“What?” I furrowed my brow slightly as I looked in her direction. “What do you mean ‘ya’?”
“I don’t know, whatever,” She replied distracted as she scrolled through her iPhone.
“You know this is the reason smartphones are really starting to piss me off. All people ever want to do is scroll through their feeds online when they hang out with people. So fucking annoying,” I spoke under my breath.
“Don’t be a hypocrite Sarah,” a voice said towards the back of the café. It was Carlos.
“What?” I jerked my head back. “I’m not being a hypocrite.”
“I see you on your phone all the time.”
“Yeah, but I’m checking text messages and shit,” I started to feel the need to be defensive. “Look man I don’t know how much you heard of what I just said. It’s not a big deal.”
“Yeah, but I want to know what you mean. You’re on your phone all the time too. We all are. Why is it bad when Kayla does it but not when you do it? Don’t you like social media?” He pierced his eyes as he looked me straight in the face. Wow alright.
“Oh- I hate social media.” I bluntly replied.
He chuckled, “Aren’t you like 20? What could you possibly hate about social media? It’s not like you can rank them from best to worst.”
“Are you kidding?” I stood tall with a sense of inflated confidence as I sarcastically replied, “Ranking Social Media platforms from best to worst is my favourite pastime.”
He rolled his eyes, “Oh-kay Sarah then do it.”
“Do it?”
“Yes. Rank the social medias.”
I clapped my hands together, “Okay… Let’s do… from worst to alright.”
“You said best to worst…” He looked confused as he took a sigh and crossed his arms. I guess he has decided to roll with it. “Okay continue.”
“Facebook is garbage. Absolute worst,” I began. “I question myself and why I use it almost every day. It is a dumpster fire of everyone’s horrible thoughts and pictures of children and drunk people no one asked to see. I can’t believe I blindly bought into the idea in the 8th grade.”
“You got Facebook when you were in the 8th grade? Oh my god, I am so much older than you…” He looked off to the corner of the room with slight dread. “So after Facebook what comes next?”
“Next is probably Twitter. Not because I have any inherent beef with Twitter…at least not yet. I don’t like Twitter because it has a terrible reputation for being a dumpster fire of bad ideas articulated from the toilet. Like nothing of true intellectual substance can come on Twitter. Even if people try and argue that to you.”
He laughed, “You’re looking for ‘true intellectual substance’ on Twitter? Oh, wow you really are 20! Hudson you’ve got to be kidding me. Of course, you won’t find that there. It doesn’t exist on Twitter -let alone most of the internet…”
“Yeah so fuck Twitter.” I paused. “Um, then my number three. You know like the mediocre one. That would have to be Instagram.”
“Why Instagram?”
“Because Instagram can be a lot of fun, but I also secretly hate myself every day more and more when I’m on that site. It’s the Regina George of social media -or at least depending on who you follow. I used to follow this girl Jen Seltzer for workout inspiration. And slowly but surely I started to just hate my body because it would never look like hers.”
“Oh…Jen Seltzer…I remember her,” He looked distracted. “She has a great Instagram.”
“You’re supposed to say that,” I looked at him as I rolled my eyes. “Her ass is huge.”
“Well, you were the one who mentioned her!”
“Yeah! I’m just saying. Instagram is super fun and then also a death trap at the same time. So it’s the like the ‘meh’ one.”
“Strange ranking system. Okay, what is number 4 then?” He leaned in with a look of curiosity.
“Number 4 is Pinterest. That site is great. Pinterest taught me how to cook.”
He repeated to me with confusion, “Pinterest taught you how to cook?”
“Yes.”
“How did that happen?”
“Oh, I just started pinning recipes I wanted to try and just went for it. I’ve made quite a few things that have turned out nice like butternut squash soup, chicken, stir fry, and …like… smoothies. I’ve been doing it since I moved to my place in the gaybourhood, or Church and Wellesley I should say. Haven’t I told you about how excited I am yet?”
He shook his head, “No you haven’t.”
“Whoops! Well, it doesn’t matter. I am obsessed with Pinterest. It has been my biggest obsession since starting university. Also, it’s the only platform where my ratio of followers to following is higher for followers. I have this fashion board that people seem to like that I’m really proud of…” I looked inwards and paused, maybe I’ve said too much, “ANYWAYS! I am getting distracted. Where were we?”
“Number 5.”
“Number 5. The most alright of the social medias. Hmmm…. Not hard at all. No doubt would have to say Youtube. That place rocks. Always has.” I spoke with confidence and assurance. “I have been obsessed with that site since its earliest days. Before that I was on Flowgo we don’t have to talk about it. Youtube is great. Funniest and weirdest shit on YouTube. I fucking love that place. It will always be my number one home online. It’s been my number one home since like I don’t know grade 7 or 8?”
“Wow, okay. Well, thank you for that long, all-over-the-place ranking system. No wonder you said you spend all day thinking about it. That felt like 10 minutes of my life I am never getting back,” He sarcastically replied with a grin on his face.
“Oh my god you’re being dramatic it wasn’t 10 minutes,” I leaned on the counter. “Well, how would you rank those social media platforms?”
“Easy.”
“Easy?”
“Yeah. Easy.”
“How would you rank them?”
“Number 1 Facebook. Number 2 Instagram. Number 3 Twitter. Number 4 Reddit. Number 5 YouTube.”
“Number 4 Reddit?”
“Yeah, I’ve never used Pinterest.”
“Oh…that makes sense…It feels like a pretty feminine platform…okay that’s fair.”
“Yeah. See -easy. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Reddit, YouTube. It’s not hard.”
“Alright,” I gave a look of skepticism. “Whatever you say.”
“Carlos!” Tony yelled popping his head out from the back door. “Get back here we need you for something!”
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” He smiled as he turned and walked towards the back.
“I’m still on my break Tony I’ll be back in 10 minutes!” Kayla shouted with her head still leaning down towards her phone.
“You know Kayla he wasn’t even on the floor when you said that? You spoke a solid two minutes after he turned around and closed the door.”
“Yeah, whatever Sarah,” She spoke with a monotone voice. “Just clean the counters like I told you to.”
Photo by Tim Douglas from Pexels
Edit by me.
